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Pantherus
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PostSubject: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 11:02 am

OK - we did this a long time ago (back in the "good old days") and it was ruined by every post being followed by "LOL" from a certain individual and not many actual jokes; so we'll try this again, and only post if you have a joke to offer as well.

I'll start us off with an old favourite:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blokes, Bruce and Jim, are in an Outback bar having a few pints, when this well-to-do chap wanders in all dressed up in a nice suit and all.

Bruce nudged Jim and says "Streuth Jimmy mate, whaddaya reckon that bloke does, all dressed up like that?"
Jim takes a look and says "I dunno Bruce mate, maybe he's one of them accountants or lawyers or something?"

They continue speculating like this for a while before Bruce gets up to go to the bog, he wanders in and sees the man in there as well. Bruce taps him on the shoulder, "Scuse me mate, my mate and I were just wondering what it is that you do?"

The man smiles slightly and replies "Why, I'm a logical scientest"

"Oh," says Bruce, "what's that?"

"Well, let me show you; tell me, do you own any Goldfish?"

"Yeah, got me a few"

"And logically you would either keep them in a bowl, or a pond?"

"They're in a pond out the back of my place"

"Then logically, you must have a fairly large property?"

"Yeah mate, she's pretty big"

"And so logically, you must have a fairly large house as well?"

"Yep, built it meself"

"Very nice, and so Logically you must have a fairly large family then as well?"

Bruce is starting to get quite interested now, "Yeah, got me 4 sprogs, how'd you know that?"

The man just continues, "So logically, you must have a fairly happy marriage then"

"Course I do, me and Sheila have it great"

"And logically, you have got an active sex life too?"

Bruce puffs his chest up with a bit of masculine pride, "Too right mate, 5 times a week at least!"

The man nods his head, "And so logically, you probably do not need to masturbate often, if at all?"

Bruce is a little taken aback but has been right into the process, "Nah mate, don't needa do that at all..."

"Well there you go!"

Bruce looks confused.

"Look," says the man, by finding out that you have a goldfish, I was able to discern details about your sex life, that's Logical Science!"

Bruce smiles broadly, "Well I'll be damned, thanks mate, that was great!"

Bruce goes back to his table and says to Jim, "I found out what that bloke does mate, he's a Logical Scientist!"

Jim looks as confused as Bruce originally did, "What's that?"

"Well let me show you," says Bruce, "Do you have any goldfish?"

"No." says Jim.

"Well then you're a wanker!"
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 11:06 am

I think I got it...
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Niv
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 11:58 am

Classic!

I'll start off with a rather large bit of wordplay Razz

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5.. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read "Keep off the
Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at-large..
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
24. Acupuncture...a jab well done.
25. I had a fisherman's lunch the other day...he wasn't very happy.
26. My friend drown in a bowl of cereal, a strong currant pulled him in.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
28. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
30. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed
31. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired
32. A will is a dead giveaway.
33. The dead batteries were given out free of charge
34. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months
35. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate
36. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest
37. To write with a broken pencil is pointless
38. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal
39. A calendar's days are numbered
40. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine

Confucius say...

"He who stands on toilets is high on pot"
"Man who put rooster in freezer get stiff cock."
"Man who fart in church sit in own pew.".
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
"Man who go to bed with sex on brain wake up with solution in hand.".
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Man who lay girl on hill not on level."
"Baby conceived in automatic car become shiftless bastard."
"War not determine who right, war determine who left."
"It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone."
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shit time."
"Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent."
"He who lite the fuse of love, get big bang."
"Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."
"Man who have hands in pocket, not crazy, just feeling nuts"
"Sex is like air, it only important if you not getting any."
"Homework like a juicy steak -- rarely done"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
"Man who walk through turnstile sideways only going to Bangkok."
"Man who pees through screen only straining himself."
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TealDevils
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:02 pm

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side of Arden Street Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:10 pm

Niv wrote:
Classic!

I'll start off with a rather large bit of wordplay Razz

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5.. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read "Keep off the
Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at-large..
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
24. Acupuncture...a jab well done.
25. I had a fisherman's lunch the other day...he wasn't very happy.
26. My friend drown in a bowl of cereal, a strong currant pulled him in.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
28. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end
30. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed
31. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired
32. A will is a dead giveaway.
33. The dead batteries were given out free of charge
34. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months
35. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate
36. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest
37. To write with a broken pencil is pointless
38. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal
39. A calendar's days are numbered
40. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine

Confucius say...

"He who stands on toilets is high on pot"
"Man who put rooster in freezer get stiff cock."
"Man who fart in church sit in own pew.".
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
"Man who go to bed with sex on brain wake up with solution in hand.".
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Man who lay girl on hill not on level."
"Baby conceived in automatic car become shiftless bastard."
"War not determine who right, war determine who left."
"It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone."
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shit time."
"Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent."
"He who lite the fuse of love, get big bang."
"Nail on board is not good as screw on bench."
"Man who have hands in pocket, not crazy, just feeling nuts"
"Sex is like air, it only important if you not getting any."
"Homework like a juicy steak -- rarely done"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
"Man who walk through turnstile sideways only going to Bangkok."
"Man who pees through screen only straining himself."

You're not Tim Vine are you?
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Niv
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:12 pm

Nope, I just have a very big joke collection Smile
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Pantherus
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:13 pm

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbuld?

2 - one to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold onto the penis...

...
...
LADDER! I mean Ladder!!



Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...ba dum pssh!!
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:14 pm

Two seals walked into a club...
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Niv
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:17 pm

A priest checks into a hotel for the night, and asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel disabled in my room?"

She responds "No, it's just ordinary porn...you sick bastard."
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:21 pm

Niv wrote:
A priest checks into a hotel for the night, and asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel disabled in my room?"

She responds "No, it's just ordinary porn...you sick bastard."

OMG - I actually LOL'ed at that one!! Rofl

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:21 pm

Cynic wrote:
Two seals walked into a club...

Laughing
how distasteful
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:22 pm

Pantherus wrote:
Niv wrote:
A priest checks into a hotel for the night, and asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel disabled in my room?"

She responds "No, it's just ordinary porn...you sick bastard."

OMG - I actually LOL'ed at that one!! Rofl

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler:
 

It actually took me two minutes to understand the priest joke...
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:23 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:25 pm

Sibs#12 wrote:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Bravo. I never saw that coming.
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:27 pm

Guy goes up to a hot chick in the bar and offers to buy her a drink, she looks him up and down and says "I'll do anything you ask of me for just $20, but you can only use three words to do so"
The guys thinks for a moment, pulls out $20 and says "Paint my house"
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:33 pm

Pantherus wrote:
Guy goes up to a hot chick in the bar and offers to buy her a drink, she looks him up and down and says "I'll do anything you ask of me for just $20, but you can only use three words to do so"
The guys thinks for a moment, pulls out $20 and says "Paint my house"

i can think of at least 2 better things to do with three words
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:35 pm

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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Niv
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:37 pm

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:40 pm

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah... My wife!"
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:44 pm

One of many for the Kiwis Razz

An Eskimo was driving through NZ when his car broke down, the AA man turned up and lifted the bonnet, he says to the Eskimo "you've blown a seal mate", the Eskimo says "well you shag sheep, so F*** off"
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 12:53 pm

Niv wrote:
One of many for the Kiwis Razz

An Eskimo was driving through NZ when his car broke down, the AA man turned up and lifted the bonnet, he says to the Eskimo "you've blown a seal mate", the Eskimo says "well you shag sheep, so F*** off"

Nice to be an Aussie reading this...
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 1:03 pm

What do you say to Nathan Bock's girlfriend with a black eye?
Nothing. The bitch has already been told once.


I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her & nicks her purse.


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long
before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at
least 14."


Yeah, I went there. I've got another few but it is shockingly bad taste.
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 1:08 pm

SMASH wrote:
What do you say to Nathan Bock's girlfriend with a black eye?
Nothing. The bitch has already been told once.


I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her & nicks her purse.


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long
before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at
least 14."


Yeah, I went there. I've got another few but it is shockingly bad taste.

its bad taste, but i cant help but lol
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 1:10 pm

Same, lol'd the most at the thrid one.

One of my worst...


What's the hardest part of a cabbage to cook?

Spoiler:
 
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PostSubject: Re: TFW Jokes Thread   TFW Jokes Thread Icon_minitimeThu Apr 09, 2009 1:11 pm

WCEsandiee wrote:
SMASH wrote:
What do you say to Nathan Bock's girlfriend with a black eye?
Nothing. The bitch has already been told once.


I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her & nicks her purse.


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long
before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at
least 14."


Yeah, I went there. I've got another few but it is shockingly bad taste.

its bad taste, but i cant help but lol
That's nothing, you should see the other ones Wink
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